Thursday, May 15, 2008

Inner Turmoil (Should I Stay Or Should I Go?)

I have been at the same job for 13 years. Since I was 19 years old. I have loved my job, and I have hated my job. There have been days where I cried because I didn't want to go to work, and there have been days when I couldn't get there fast enough.

I gave my notice just over a month ago. I signed up my son for preschool in September and paid a registration fee. I also signed him up for swimming lessons and tennis lessons this summer. I signed my daughter up for 2 different sets of golf lessons and swimming lessons. I also bought weekly movie passes for the 3 of us. We have waterslide passes, maze passes, and Bear Country passes all lined up and ready to go. I admit, perhaps I got a little carried away, but this was going to be "the best summer ever".

Now I am thinking about the money. Why does money have to have such a pull on us? We are finally seriously paying down debt. We finally have extra. I finally don't feel like I have to hound my husband for his paycheck on payday because I already scheduled the bills to be paid or sent out the checks. We are finally at a good point and I have to go and quit my job. What if we can't make it? What if after all of this I have to go back to work next fall making half my current pay at a job I hate?

I have 3 weeks left and I am sure they will be the longest 3 weeks of my life.

My brain is screaming at me... "What are you doing? In a couple years you could be almost debt free. Think about how rich you will feel. You could be a business owner. You could never have to worry about work again."

My heart is telling me... "Look at those kids, they need you. Your babies have grown up before your eyes." I looked down at my little guy 2 nights ago, on his 4th birthday, and I couldn't believe it. He isn't a baby anymore. I no longer have a baby. My last baby is now a little boy and I missed it. Marissa is becoming a gorgeous young woman and needs her mother to guide her now, not in a few years.

I am so torn between what I want now and what I want later. I don't know what to do.

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